No Matter How Bad I Act, I’m Still Holding Back

I love the Bible, but there are some seriously irritating verses in there.  The truth is hard to hear sometimes, especially all the stuff about praying for your enemies, forgiving people, rejoicing in the midst of trials.   Maybe there’s nothing in the Bible that bothers you, but if we are all being honest, there are a few verses we might remove, if God gave us the opportunity to edit.

Strangely, a verse that got my attention as a kid and still makes me a little crazy is this one:  “So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God.”  Romans 14:22

Huh???

My extrovert, no secrets, let-it-all-hang-out personality has trouble computing such a statement.

I was raised by my parents to be free, to speak my mind, to externally process things, to ask questions, to voice doubts.  So the first time my Dad preached a sermon on Romans 14 and read that verse (I was about 12 years old), it wasn’t something I wanted to hear.

It recently occurred to me that the “redneck version” of Romans 14:22 is something my Dad used to say all the time:

“No matter how bad I act, I’m still holding back.”

A few years ago, we even had t-shirts made for the entire family with Dad’s familiar saying.

My Dad calls himself an educated redneck.  He’s a rock-n-roll singer turned evangelist and has always shocked people with his blunt honesty.  But believe me, my Dad was always holding back, at least a little.  And looking back, I’m amazed at how he and my Mom so beautifully navigated the “church world,” telling people about radical freedom in Christ, and trying to motivate Christians who longed for a God who was predictable and containable.   Through the years they taught me how and why some things “you should keep between yourself and God.”

The Romans 12:22 verse comes out of an entire chapter about respecting the faith of other believers – how we should not judge each other and how we should always act in love and never deliberately cause another to stumble.  It’s a tough chapter because your freedom in Christ doesn’t really matter unless it is lived out in a loving way that brings peace and joy and encourages others.  It is a RICH chapter, and very convicting, at least for me.

When I discover or feel passionate about something (good or bad), my first instinct is to want to share it!  Sometimes that can be good — I believe faith is strengthened when we share things and when we wrestle through issues together.  But God might not mean for everything to be shared.  Sometimes I feel like I have something to say and am eager to shout it from the rooftops, but He doesn’t always give me permission.

To give you an example, I once felt compelled to confront an incredibly negative person about her attitude.  I convinced myself it was the loving thing to do because this person needed to know how she made people feel.  I thought I needed to speak the truth (Christians love to say “speak the truth in love” or “speak into someone’s life”).

But I kept hearing God say, “Keep your mouth shut.”

(Note:  God might not speak to you in such a mouthy way, but He is pretty abrupt with me sometimes, because that’s what I need.  I don’t audibly hear Him and I don’t quite understand this voice that’s in my spirit — my conscience, His Holy Spirit — however you want to explain it.  Whatever it is, I know it’s not me because it’s not what I would say to myself and it’s not what I want to hear.)

I never opened my mouth to the person, and I continued to be annoyed for a long time, but I later realized that if I had said anything, it wouldn’t have been in love.  I was trying to play God.  I was annoyed and wanted to use “God’s truth” as my excuse to say something that would have been hurtful.

Sometimes I think the most dangerous sins are the ones we are unaware of – the sins that disguise themselves as “good intentions.”

I argue with God a lot and I’m so glad He is patient with me.  I say things like, “But God, this needs to be said,” or “I can help,” or “You can’t expect me to keep this to myself.”

And then God says (from that strange place in my spirit), “If you say something and use My Name, you better be certain that it’s from Me.  Otherwise, you are not trying to represent Me; you are trying to BE Me, and that will just get you in deep crap.  I am the Lord God Almighty and, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I DON’T need YOUR mouth to get MY message across.”

And then I get this visual of God doing the universal “zip-the-lip” motion as He “zips” His mighty fingers over His mouth and dares me to say another word.

Seriously.  Rude.

So it might seem to most people that I do not hold anything back, but you can be certain that I do.  I still mess up (ahem . . . a lot), but even in my mistakes, God teaches me to be dependent on Him.

I used to think that “holding back” or “keeping things between yourself and God” limited my freedom and I resented, questioned and misunderstood it for many years.

But I’ve discovered that there is even GREATER freedom in letting God be God.  I don’t have to do everything or say everything — I just have to let God love me and love others through me.

Sometimes “keeping things between yourself and God” is a gift.

I am a fumbling, stumbling, blabbering mess, but I serve a God who can make a masterpiece from a mess, so I just have to give Him control and trust the end result.

I don’t hold back very much; although, there are a few things awaiting permission that God might never grant.  But that’s okay because I am completely free to give away what I have freely received.  (“Freely you have received; freely give.”  Matthew 10:8)

I never want to misuse that freedom, so you can be sure, no matter how bad I act, I’m still holding back!

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A few excerpts from Romans 14 from The Message translation:

“Forget about deciding what’s right for each other.  Here’s what you need to be concerned about:  That you don’t get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is.  I’m convinced – Jesus convinced me! — that everything as it is in itself is holy.  We, of course, by the way we treat it or talk about it, can contaminate it.  13-14

Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don’t impose it on others.  You’re fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent.  But if you’re not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe – some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them – then you know that you’re out of line.  If the way you live isn’t consistent with what you believe, then it’s wrong.  22-23