A Love To Take For Granted

I get irritated with my kids when they take things for granted.  I sometimes catch myself saying these guilt-inducing phrases:

– Don’t waste food.  Some kids have nothing to eat.

– You guys need to take better care of your toys.  Some kids don’t have any toys to play with.

– I know you don’t want to do schoolwork, but you are lucky to go to school.  Some kids would do anything for the chance to get an education.

I doubt if any of these statements make much of a difference to my spoiled little guys.  It’s hard for them to imagine children without food or clothes or toys.  They only know a world where there is freedom and opportunity and abundance.  I am glad they know this world, but I don’t want them to take it for granted.  I want them to appreciate what they have.

But there are some things I’m GLAD they take for granted.

For example, when Carlie was seven, she came to me and asked, “What is divorce?”  In that moment I remember being grateful that she didn’t know what that word meant.  So many kids are introduced to divorce long before they even understand marriage.  I am grateful that our kids are growing up in a household where their parents love and respect each other.

They take for granted that our family will stay together, and they should.

(Note:  Please don’t feel judged if this is not your situation.  Keith and I are both divorced, but we do not have children from our first marriages.  We are blessed and lucky to have found each other, but we understand that life choices do not always turn out the way we plan.)

I am also glad that the kids take our love for granted.  They just assume that we are going to be there and that we are going to take care of them.  They know they are important.

After Lela’s dance recital last year, I remember that she was upset because she couldn’t find me in the crowd.  She said she almost cried, but she just kept telling herself, “My Mom is here; I just can’t see her.”

It made me happy to know that she had confidence that I was there for her, even if she couldn’t see me.  I know at some point we will probably let them down, but I want Keith and I to be two people in this world that they know they can count on.

I recently finished an interesting book whose author has a number of adopted children.  They are a multiracial family and their children came to them at different ages and stages of life.  They were able to adopt one little girl at birth and hold her and sing to her in the first hour of her life.  I love what the author said about her daughter:  “She knows something that the rest of my children don’t:  that it’s safe to take her family for granted.” (The Secret Thoughts of An Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield)

I thought that was so interesting . . . “it’s safe to take her family for granted.”  While none of us want to raise entitled, self-absorbed children, I think that is different than raising children confident in your love.  I don’t have to be an indulgent parent to be flagrant with my love.

The dictionary says “take for granted” means to “accept without question or objection.”

I want our children to accept our love without question. I always want them to feel safe and valued.

I definitely took my parents for granted.  I look back at all the love and encouragement they gave me, all the sacrifices they made (without making me feel guilty), and I am so grateful.  But I didn’t even begin to understand the enormity of everything they gave me until I was in college.  And in each stage of my life since then, I appreciate them more and more, and I have a deeper understanding of how much they loved my brother and me.

Although I felt secure in my parent’s love, I also knew that there were rules and expectations, and there were consequences to making bad choices.  They said what they meant and meant what they said, both in their love and in their expectations.

A few years ago I read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, and afterwards, I called my parents to say “thank you.”  Until I read that book, I had no idea what a gift it is to be raised by parents who teach and model healthy boundaries and give unconditional love.

“Basically if you get mirrored well early in life, you do not have to spend the rest of your life looking in Narcissus’s mirror or begging for the attention of others.  You have already been “attended to” and now feel basically good – and always will.  If you were properly mirrored when you were young, you are now free to mirror others and see yourself – honestly and helpfully.” (Richard Rohr, Falling Upward)

I’m grateful that God’s love is a love we can take for granted.  He has made the ultimate sacrifice to help us understand how much He loves us.  We can rest in the magnitude and faithfulness of His amazing love.

Although God has unconditional love for us, He also has limits and expectations, and we bring consequences on ourselves when we make bad choices.  Our heavenly Father knows that unconditional love is not the same as unconditional permission.  But I am grateful that no matter how I screw things up, God’s love is always there – I can take it for granted.

“God’s love is constant and irrevocable; our part is to be open to it and let it transform us.  There is absolutely nothing we can do to make God love us more than God already does; and there is absolutely nothing we can do to make God love us less. We are stuck with it!  The only difference is between those who allow that and those who don’t, but they are both equally and objectively the beloved.  One just enjoys it and draws ever-new life from that realization.”  (Richard Rohr, Things Hidden)

Of course, with all things in life, there is a Yin-Yang (can’t have good without bad or light without darkness), and the dictionary also says that “take for granted” means:  “to use, accept, or treat in careless or indifferent manner.” I suppose when you accept something without question, it’s easy to become careless and indifferent.

But in God’s wisdom, I believe when you “take for granted” by accepting without question or objection, it eventually protects you from being careless or indifferent.

“You ironically need a very strong ego structure to let go of your ego.” (Richard Rohr, Falling Upward)

When we are properly “filled up” – given unconditional love along with predictable boundaries – then we have the power to “let go” and be humble enough to be grateful and appreciative.

However, if a child is “filled-up” yet never allowed to experience boundaries or consequences and if we protect him from pain or failure, then he never learns empathy.  Instead of being grateful, he remains emotionally immature and becomes careless and indifferent.

By the way, I don’t really know what I’m doing.  Maybe this is just my version of praying out-loud that I can somehow strike the balance of unconditional love with proper boundaries.

Our Heavenly Father takes the risk of loving us.  Some of us experience His love and respond with deep gratitude while others of us experience His love and treat Him as if He only exists to give us what we want.  But He took the risk on me so I want to risk loving too.

“Give a person grace (unmerited favor) and truth (structure), and do that over time, and you have the greatest chance of this person growing into a person of good character.”  (Boundaries with Kids, Cloud and Townsend)

How my children respond to my love is largely out of my control, but the risk is worth it.

I want to love them well.

I want them to take me for granted. 

And I hope that if they learn to trust my love, they will also learn to trust the love of God.  Introducing them to God’s love is the greatest gift I can give them, and God’s love starts with me.  What an amazing responsibility and privilege.