I don’t know why, but Christians don’t always talk about crisis of faith. I think it’s a real thing that happens to every seeker at some point (maybe multiple points) in the journey. And yet, we treat it as if it’s contagious – we don’t want to “spread” our doubts or fears. We muddle through the dark place alone because we are afraid of misrepresenting God (as if the God of the universe needs us to protect His image).
And honestly, the Christian community doesn’t always know what to do with someone going through a crisis of faith. At those times in my life, I had very few people who would “go there” with me, and I’m grateful for those who were brave enough to be real and encouraging.
My first crisis of faith happened in college and I have had a few other times since then. They are always terrible, but if you don’t get stuck there, those crisis times can also be the path to a deeper relationship to God. Angst can turn to joy, a heavy heart is replaced with peace, and fear is diminished as we find new confidence in God’s love.
I’m not sure why crisis of faith times are so difficult and sometimes lengthy. Maybe, as humans, it’s just a long process to “let go” (many times we are grieving the familiar, or “unlearning,” which is not easy) and surrender to God. Maybe God has His own reasons for allowing us to stay in that dark space for awhile.
“This is the darkness of faith: when you’ve had to drop the old for a time but haven’t yet found the new. It’s the terrible space in between, where nobody wants to live. We want to retreat to a spot where I know who I am and who God is . . .” Richard Rohr, Simplicity
If we go without hearing from God for a long period of time, when He shows up again, it’s loud and clear. And those moments are memorable and real. I hate those lonely times when God seems distant, but I savor the rare moments (always unexpected and inconvenient) when He is so real and tangible, I feel like I could reach out and touch Him.
A few years ago, I read a book that spun me into a crisis of faith. I felt like an idiot. God has been so faithful and real in my life, and yet, here I was questioning and doubting. In addition to the “grenade tossing” author who left me crawling around on the floor, trying to piece my faith back together again, I was also struggling with a lot of tough questions. You know, the questions we all think, but don’t have the guts to say out-loud — the terrible, finger-wagging, angry-with-God kind of questions. The questions that come up when good people die and bad people live, when innocent children suffer, when deserving and wonderful people experience hardship while morons seem to get through unscathed, when God seems to so obviously intervene in one situation and not in another. Life can be very confusing and I was grieving for a number of people in my life at that time.
In spite of all my efforts, I couldn’t conjure up enough faith to pull myself out of this crisis of faith, and so I had to wait on the Lord to pull me out. I kept asking, seeking, knocking . . . and waiting. I revisited old journals to be reminded of God’s faithfulness, and in many ways, I survived on the faith of my Christian friends and family – their faith carried me through. And God wasn’t totally absent. He would reach me in random ways, to let me know He was still there – maybe through a song, an amazing moment in nature, or encouraging words from a friend.
Crisis of faith times can end gradually or suddenly and it’s different for each person and each circumstance. For me, the crisis ended all at once and it was very memorable. I couldn’t sleep (which is very unusual – I generally sleep like a rock) and in the middle of the night, I felt like God was “pestering “ me and letting me know He was ready to do business. I got up and did some journaling, I prayed, I reviewed books that have helped me in past crisis times, but still, no peace. So I finally, almost as a last resort, picked up the Bible (in my rebelliousness to God, I had also been rebellious about His word), and I told Him that I didn’t know what to read, so I was going to let it fall open. Ironically, it fell open to one of my least favorite books of the Bible, Lamentations. I remember shaking my head and audibly telling God, “You have got to be kidding me.” I expected nothing but depressing verses that would push me further into the pit, but instead, these words leapt off the page, and God met me there. I was humbled and mystified that He honored my childish request when I let the Bible “fall open.” I just remember His presence being so strong and I cried until I didn’t have any tears.
“He has made me chew on gravel. He has rolled me in the dust. Peace has been stripped away, and I have forgotten what prosperity is. I cry out “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still DARE TO HOPE when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.” Lamentations 3:16-23, 31-33
I don’t know why those verses spoke to me so powerfully but I was grateful they broke through. I think they linked together the suffering I had seen in other people and reminded me that God is good, that God is love, that He can be trusted and I could “dare to hope” in Him again.
And did I get all my questions answered? Nope. I still wrestle with a lot of the same questions today, but I am more at peace with the mystery, and more relaxed letting God be God.
“We want to go to God for answers, but sometimes what we get is God’s presence.” (Nadia Bolz-Weber, Pastrix)
So, if you are in a crisis of faith or if you experience one in the future, don’t despair. It’s okay to be honest. And even though it’s a terrible place to be, you can meet the crisis with anticipation that God has something important to teach you. I believe He wants to hold us close, but sometimes He has to let us go (much like the Prodigal Son), so that we can come home to Him with humility and appreciate His profound love and mercy.
“If you don’t die of thirst, there are blessings in the desert.” Anne Lamott
“I cried out, “I am slipping!” But your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” Psalm 94:18-19
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Great insight and very true. I tend to argue with God alot, but He seems to handle it OK. (HA) At this stage in life I just sort of live with the mystery and trust God to do what is best. I often question His acions and think I could come up with a better solution if I had His power, but since my resources are limited I choose to live with trust and gripe when I think God has not done His best. I tend to forget that since he has given me the freedom to choose, then His choices must be limited and many of the crises in life are my own creation. I am sort of grateful and upset at the same time for this priviledge. When you were a child I saw all the potential, but still decided that it would be best to allow you to create you own life and in turn create your own crises. So far, it seems to be working out OK. Hang in there.
Don’t you just love the little surprises we receive from The Lord? I often feel like He has me by the scruff of the neck, yanking me along in a firm but gentle way. He simply won’t let go no matter how stupid I’ve been. That amazes me! It’s one of the reasons I love Peter. He’s so human and such a dummy sometimes. But Jesus forgives him and shows how much He believes in Peter’s potential and never stops loving him.