Well, this is the Christmas of tragic discovery . . . Lela caught me moving the elf on the shelf! It was high drama, lots of tears, lots of questions. Even as she and Luke admitted they were skeptical (“I saw the elves for sale in the store, so I was suspicious”), they still want the magic (“I wish I had never caught you,” “I wish you had made up an excuse,” “I wish we could go back to how it was before.”) And Keith jokingly helped my mommy guilt by saying, “Well, you’ll go down in our family history as the person who ruined the magic of Christmas. Glad it wasn’t me.” God gifted my husband in sarcasm – I am a lucky woman.
We are trying to salvage Santa, but the veil has been lifted and it’s just a matter of time. I have one who wants to dig for answers (Luke – he’s relentless), and one who doesn’t want to know (Lela – “Now I wonder if fairies are real, but don’t tell me!”).
This captures the emotion of Lela’s discovery (taken from one of her “human emoji” texts that she sends me to make sure she gets the message across)
As all of this has unfolded, I can’t help but see the parallels to my spiritual journey. (And parents, please do not use this as a justification for not doing Santa because that’s not what this is. I’m a Christian and I’m all in on Santa, elves, the Easter bunny, and any other crazy ass thing that parents do to make their kids lose their minds with joy and wonder. The window is small for that kind of magic so I choose to revel in it.)
I remember when my faith was simple, when “Jesus Loves Me” was ringing in my ears, when Bible stories gave me comfort that God heals, protects and provides. But as I got older, and life became more complex, I started to have lots of questions. Just as Lela exclaimed, “YOU move the elves?!”, I started asking similar questions of God, “YOU allow suffering?” (I still wrestle with this one), “YOU put up with people doing evil?” (free will is BS sometimes), etc.
The early years of simple faith. I was immersed in church and Christian culture.
I think every Christian has these moments of questioning and realization, and we wish we could go back to a simpler time. Some Christians likely do what Lela is doing about Santa (“I don’t want to know the truth”) and they just stay in that place of pretending (I don’t really blame them, and I’m a little jealous of people who can actually do this). Others do what Luke is doing (question, dig, search) and their faith is changed forever. And of course, there are a lot of paths in between, but life experience eventually forces us to make decisions about disturbing realities.
Here’s the good part: growing up isn’t all bad. My kids will be disappointed to find out there is no Santa, but hopefully, they will realize that the spirit of Christmas is very real. The silly things we do playing Santa stem from a real person (Saint Nicholas) with a big heart, and being Santa to my own kids has taken the magic to a new level – it has been a lot more fun than getting gifts as a kid. I love that I’ve gone from recipient to bestower. Long after my kids are grown, I hope I’m still finding ways to bestow the magic, the spirit of Christmas, to the world around me.
And growing up in faith isn’t all bad either. It’s initially disturbing and can throw you off balance, but once you embrace the meandering path and surrender certainty, it’s quite freeing. (full disclosure, this did not come easy – that last sentence with “embrace and surrender” is true, but a more honest description would be that I accidentally found freedom through “reluctant desperation”) And thankfully, I don’t have to conjure up any “evidence” of God – He doesn’t need me to pretend to be Him. There are beautiful, unexplainable miracles (magic!) all around me, and within me, that keep me believing: the birth and adoption of my children, the intense love I feel for my family, the unexplained tears when something resonates deep within me, or simply a sunrise, the stars, the ocean . . . miracles are like “true magic.” We can’t explain it or recreate it, but we can enjoy it, and we can appreciate the wonder of it all. So maybe the magic that we try to bring to our kids, when we play Santa, is evidence of something real, our attempt at expressing a deeper mystery.
I’m grateful that I can call back to the unbridled emotions I experienced as kid anticipating Santa. And I’m also grateful that I can call back to the joyful simplicity of my early faith (although, like my kids, I often wish I could “go back to the way it was before”) because I still draw on the beauty of that kind of trust.
But there’s also beauty in complexity and paradox. It’s much harder to live with, but in the end, the darkness makes the light that much brighter. The questions lead to deeper trust. The disappointment brings humility and empathy.
And it is beautiful.
And it all started with simple, child-like faith.
And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
So who knows if my kids will land in a place of firm faith, if they’ll become agnostics or atheists – I can’t predict their path. But it’s a journey worth taking, and I hope that their childlike wonder will be the foundation of authentic faith. Seems counterintuitive, but that’s the hallmark of the faith journey.
“I’ve come to understand more about faith as I’ve understood more about whimsy. What whimsy means to me is a combination of the “do” part of faith along with something worth doing. It’s whimsy that spreads hope like grass seed in the wind. “ (Bob Goff, Love Does)
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Oddly enough this week was our unveiling as well! Leah had been listening to kids talk and she just came out and asked me. I avoided it for about a day and a half before we had a long talk. Oddly enough, the only one shedding tears over this coming of age was me!! The realization that she is so grown up was a little more than I could take! I told her that first and foremost I wanted to make sure that she believed in what is truly real and she assured me that this revelation had not waivered her faith in God or the real reason we celebrate Christmas. Overall, she took the news very good and has assured me that she won’t ruin it for her little brother. Instead, she is excited that she gets to take part in the moving of the elves! I have to say…it has taken a load off of me. Now I have my own little helper and don’t have to make excuses about why our elves didn’t move some days (I said they were lazy!). We all know this day is coming but like so many other phases in life….it isn’t easy!
I love you and miss you and am so thankful that I get this glimpse into the Jensen household!!
Sounds like you handled it beautifully! I love every phase I’ve been through with my kids, but it’s so hard to watch them grow up and know you can never get certain things back again. Love you and hope you have a wonderful Christmas!
Very much enjoyed this post!
Thanks, Michael. So encouraging that you still take the time to read my meandering thoughts. Means so much to me.
Tamson,
You are such a great writer! This is such an encouraging article! Thank you for the work you put into this blog!
Miss you all,
Bruce
Thanks, Bruce. Sure do miss you and Amanda and Ava. I am grateful you still follow along with all my ramblings. Love you guys!
Great post! It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite theologians, Karl Barth. The man was insane intelligent – one of the most prolific and important theologians of the 20th century. When someone once asked him to summarize all he had written, he said, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” It seems to me the wiser we become, the more childlike we are. Not surprising then, that Jesus says, “let the little children come unto me… For the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
I love this example! The more I learn about God, the less I know — maybe that’s how we eventually get back to childlike faith. But it feels less like innocence and more like “learned ignorance” (“not knowing” as another way of knowing, Richard Rohr). It’s quite a ride! Thanks for your note.
Beautifully spoken, my child! Your writing encourages me to be a better person. And to embrace the mystery of faith.
Thanks, Mom! Love you, and I’m grateful for the example you and Dad gave me.
So beautifully said, I identify strongly with Luke, I question so much Thomas is my sport twin lol. My Mom was like Lela, faith was her rock, her anchor I always found it so inspiring. Thank you sharing your spiritual journey.
Thank you! Yes, I’m afraid Luke is going to be a skeptic, like me, but I’ve learned that God loves skeptics too (as you referenced with Thomas — I’m grateful for people like Thomas. I identify more with Peter because he always seemed to put his foot in his mouth – ha!).
Love this! As I do you! Thanks for always sharing what God is teaching you. Being a parent gave me so much insight into who God is and for me, where my faults lie. I love the line,….”It’s much harder to live with, but in the end, the darkness makes the light that much brighter.” Keep up the great parenting, search for meaning in a broken world, and sharing those lessons with us. I wished I had written down all God taught me through my kids. Love, hugs, and prayers!
Thanks, Martha! I love you and miss you. I wish we still lived close enough to chat about these things like we used to.