Cowardly Faith

There is a black squiggly mess outside our house and all around the neighborhood.  A cool machine came through a few weeks ago and patched cracks in the pavement, leaving behind very noticeable repairs.

In a way, I’m thankful for the ugly black lines on the court outside our front door.  Every single day it is a reminder that I have a decision to make.  Am I going to continue patching up the “compromised” parts of my life, or am I going to allow God to do the “real” work that will tear things up, make a mess, and make life inconvenient (at least for a season)?

I wish I could just trust Him and focus on the end result instead of fixating on the messy and painful process.

“Good” Christians don’t like to admit that we are afraid of God’s plan.  We’re supposed to have rock solid faith – the kind that will peacefully and resolutely face fearful situations (think “Daniel in the lion’s den”), the kind of faith that will abandon everything for Jesus (like the disciples who dropped their nets and followed without hesitation).

I am all over the map when it comes to issues of faith.  It looks a lot like this:

“What do you want me to do, God?  Give away everything we own?  Go on a mission trip?  Go to seminary?  I’ll do anything you want!

What?  Give up brownies?  Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? 

You want be more gentle and empathetic with my kids?  Ugh!

Close our (rarely used) gym membership and give the money somewhere else?  But where will my (spoiled) kids swim in the wintertime?

Let me pray about all of that a little longer and get back to you . . . “. 

I’ll admit I’m a coward.  Sometimes I don’t ask God what He wants to do with my life because I’m afraid of what He might say!  This makes me feel foolish because I know God is faithful and I know He is good.  I have experienced this first hand.  I have seen it in the lives of others.  But even so, when I sense God moving in my life in an uncomfortable way, my first response is to put my fingers in my ears and try to pretend I don’t hear Him.  Eventually, after my life looks a lot like the patched up road outside my house, I give in and I’m ALWAYS glad once we get started on the hard work.  But taking that first step is tough.

Why do I resist the God who loves me?  I wish I could be like my kids at the pool — they jump into the cold water because they are so excited to swim.  I, on the other hand, wade into the pool gradually, one stair at a time, with great drama, making faces and acting ridiculous.  This is often how I feel in my spiritual life.  I wish I could jump in with abandon, but instead, I’m slow (and annoyingly loud and dramatic).

My guess as to why I tend to resist God is that I (think I) know what is coming.  Maybe when God transforms you, it’s a beautiful process, like a flower blooming or some other poetic, Hallmark-worthy imagery.  But when God wants to transform me, it’s downright ugly!

We just cleaned out our shed and it was a nasty job.  We got rid of SO much stuff and now it’s more organized.  But in the process, we found things we forgot about; we found things that we didn’t want to know about (meaning, loads of mouse poop); we found things that surprised us (porcupine quills); we found things that made me gag (here’s a helpful note:  do not leave a moving quilt in the bottom of a large travel kennel – it’s like a neon sign to vermin — I’m pretty sure there was a huge mouse party inside that thing, and we found a few mice that didn’t survive the soiree.)  Anyhow, when God wants to “clean out” my life, that’s the sort of project I imagine . . . a disgusting job that requires some serious work, a lot of trash and recycling, dealing with hidden “crap,” etc.  I can’t help but feel apprehensive when God shows up with His work gloves and says, “Let’s get started on that crusty, cluttered heart of yours!”

(The end result.  Thank goodness, I forgot to capture a “before” picture – it would have made my minimalist and type A friends hyperventilate.)

What will He find?  What will He want me to get rid of?  What pain will He want me to recycle?  How long will this terrible process take?  I know I’ll be glad when it’s over, but right now, all I can think about is the mess.

I feel like that’s exactly what’s happening to me right now.  I’m reading several books and they are all pointing to difficult questions:

–  “What are you doing right now that requires faith?” (a question from Crazy Love, Francis Chan)

–   If you really want to raise children that love the Lord, are you leading by example?  Are you showing them how to passionately love Jesus? (Spiritual Parenting, Michelle Anthony)

–   Are you being a good steward of what God has given you?  Are you blinded by excess?  Are you allowing irrelevant, self-indulgent habits to distract you from what’s really important? “The gospel will die in the toxic soil of self.” (Seven, Jen Hatmaker)

Those are a few of the questions/priorities I’m wrestling with right now.  I feel God nudging me (more like, kicking my butt) to “clean out” and reprioritize and, although it scares me, it also gives me a sense of anticipation.  I don’t want just keep patching up those compromised parts of my life.  Life is short – I don’t want to look back with regret and I don’t want to waste anymore time.

Although I sometimes feel like a coward when it comes to living by faith, I feel compelled to keep pursuing God because I know that if I allow Him to walk me through those difficult and messy times, I will find joy and peace and wisdom that only comes from trusting Him (which means obeying Him– the word makes me bristle – I am such a problem child for my Heavenly Father!).  I feel much like the father of the demon possessed boy in Mark 9:24 who tells Jesus, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

It gives me great encouragement to know that God is an expert at dealing with cowards like me.  The Bible is full of people who made excuses and questioned God’s plan (think Gideon, Moses, Jonah, etc.) The things that God asks me to do, the people He asks me to love, the “stuff” (literal and figurative) that He asks me to let go of – I know that it pales in comparison to what God asked of Bible heroes.  But still, it is nice to know that God can take imperfect faith and use it for His glory.  He can handle my questions and fears.  He can help me trust Him with the outcome, even if I dread the process.   If He can part the Red Sea, He can help me give up brownies.

And I’m certain God is rolling His eyes and making fun of my histrionics as I write this.  But He showed up with the work gloves. Ready or not, let’s get to work!

Keith insisted that I shouldn’t publish this blog until I made a commitment (it’s hard to be married to a “challenger”).  In my quiet time this morning I read Psalm 142:3 “When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn.”

I feel like God has some ugly work to do in so many areas of my life and I am overwhelmed by where to start, so my commitment is to ask Him (sounds simple, but it’s harder than you think!).  Today, for the first time in months, I got on my knees before Him and asked Him to direct my day, my thoughts, my actions.  I’ll never know God’s best for me if I don’t invite Him to be a part of my life every day.  He’s polite and will not strong-arm His way into my life – He wants to be invited, pursued, wanted and honored.  So I’m giving Him a place of honor today, and hopefully, if I can string together one day at a time, giving Him that place of honor, He will show me “the way I should turn.”

In Crazy Love, Francis Chan says (in reference to lukewarm Christians in Revelation 3), “His counsel wasn’t to “try harder,” but rather to let Him in.  As James wrote, “Come near to God and he will come near to you.” (4:8).

Can God take my cowardly faith and make it brave and bold?  Only if I trust Him more than my fears.  “This is my command – be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33