On several occasions Carlie has asked me, “Mom, how can you be so mean and so nice at the same time?”
My reply was usually something snarky like, “It’s a gift that God gives to moms.”
There’s no question that I can get irritated and frustrated and impatient – I’m not always a nice mommy. But when my kids accuse me of being mean, it’s usually because they are not getting their way or because “it’s not fair!”
(Perfect example of what the kids would consider “mean” – Lela has to take one bite of the green vegetable on her plate. As you can see, this is met with high drama.)
It’s hard to explain to them that pain is a good teacher, that I want them to understand the natural consequences of their decisions, and that life is not always fair.
My new nickname is a pretty good indication that, in spite of their protests, they “get it.”
Lately, the kids have started calling me “Nean.”
“Nean” is a word they picked up from a cartoon and it means “nice mean.”
There’s a character named Raven on a show called Teen Titans. (Note: It’s a terrible show – I do not recommend it. I try to make my kids watch Vege Tales and Wild Kratts and wholesome shows, but I’m not trying to win any mommy awards, so I also let them watch crap sometimes. When I really want to justify it, I tell myself that it gives us negative examples to talk about. I’m an excellent “justifier.”) Raven is the sarcastic character who is always willing to be honest and provide a reality check. In one episode she tells her father (a demon, trying to win her to the dark side – I told you it wasn’t a nice show), “Maybe I’m not nice but I’m not mean either. I’m nean. Nean is being nice by being mean. I tell it like it is when people are acting ridiculous. Everyone needs a nean person it their life and I’m the neanest.”
When my kids started calling me “nean,” it actually made me happy! They know me. They get me. And best of all, they understand that when I’m being mean, I’m really being nice.
Now, my oldest daughter can tell you that I had some work to do on my execution here. I like to think I’ve come a long way over the past decade (Sorry Casey! I had no idea what I was doing as a new mom to a teenager.) and I have learned to take a gentler approach (most of the time). Sometimes I cringe when I think back on some of the things I said to Casey. We had awesome Hallmark-worthy happy moments and we had some terrible reality-show-worthy moments and all kinds of other moments on the roller coaster that is the teen/parent relationship. I remember a huge drama with a friend who treated Casey like trash and reduced her to tears on a regular basis. But as soon as the friend feigned regret and came back around, Casey would take her back. While I appreciated Casey’s forgiving spirit, I was also extremely frustrated by her lack of healthy boundaries. So instead of explaining this in a loving way (which I really hope I tried to do along the way, but I only remember the words I regret), I said something like, “When (insert friend’s name) craps (I hope I said crap – I might have said the “s” word, you know, cause I’m such an awesome parent) on you again, don’t come crying to me. She has showed you who she is and you are walking into it with your eyes wide open. You know exactly what is going to happen, so don’t expect me to feel sorry for you.” Ummmm, I don’t know what to say here except to put that into the “what not to do” and “how to drive a wedge between you and your teenager” and “how to be a non-empathetic a-hole” categories of parenting. I didn’t mean to be such a jerk but when frustration encounters an unexpected intersection with lack-of-filter . . . well, it can get ugly.
I regret lots of things that I have said, even though I had good intentions. I have matured a little in this area and now try very hard to think before I speak. But my favorite people to be around are the people who know I’m “nean” and don’t take the things I say the wrong way. They know I love them and they understand my intent, so I can just let it all hang out. It’s nice to count my kids among that group.
And I love having “nean” people in my life. I don’t like mean-spirited people, but I love “nean” people. I like people who love you enough to be honest and tell you the truth. We all need people willing to be honest with us about the small things (like the friend who will go shopping with me and tell me, “Those jeans make your butt look huge.”) and the big things (like when I ruined Keith’s plan to buy a hot tub by asking if he had prayed about it. Just call me dream crusher. You’re welcome.)
It reminds me of a chapter in Pastrix by Nadia Bolz-Weber when she was recounting a time of being angry, unable to move past it until God does a heart transplant when . . . “God comes to me in the form of a friend who will be just enough of an asshole to tell me the truth . . . “
The key here is being in relationship. A person needs to know that you love them and have a predictable history of your support and encouragement before they can accept “brutal” honesty. If you are just going around saying “honest” things to people, thinking that it’s “for their own good,” then you are not a truth-teller – you are just being a jerk. But if you are invested in a relationship and genuinely love someone, you can be “nean” because they will understand your intention (even if it makes them mad initially).
So, I guess I’ll never be the Proverbs 31 woman who has children that “arise and call her blessed . . . “
In our household . . . Her children arise and call her NEAN . . .
Nice-mean. I’ll take it. I want to be a nice Mom, but I fully understand that if I’m being a good parent, there will be times that my kids won’t like me and will think I’m being mean. So I like “nean” – it fits.
And now it’s time to face the protests and field negotiations as I deny dessert (because we’ve already surpassed our sugar threshold for the day), enforce showers, teeth brushing/flossing, and bedtime . . . because I’m “Nean Mommy.”
“Everyone needs a nean person in their life, and I’m the neanest.”
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A very good discription of yourself and a marvelous quality. I would like to believe that I am also a “nean” but I am probably more of a jerk. I tend to value honesty more than love or compassion. It is not all that difficult to be a “nean” with your family and friends, because you want the best for them and you have to live with them. However, to the rest of the world I just tend to be honest and let it fly because I do not have time to nurture the world. I will try and do better and thanks for the new word.