Contagious Kindness

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” (Winston Churchill)

Over the weekend, I kept seeing an unread message in Facebook messenger, but I didn’t recognize the name, so I let it sit there for a couple of days.  Finally, curiosity got the best of me, and when I opened the message, this is what it said:

“I was behind you in line at Sweets and Java today. I cannot tell you how much your act of kindness meant to me! Thank you.”

I’m not sure how she found me.  The folks at Sweets and Java (our awesome local coffee shop) know me and must have told her my name – I suspect there aren’t many people named Tamson in the town of Holden, so she tracked me down.  

I’m sharing this to hearten you, and definitely not to sing my own praises.  All I did was buy coffee (and a cookie – ahem, full disclosure) and then leave the change to be used toward the person behind me.  This was no giant act of generosity, but even that very small act was an encouragement to someone.

Sometimes I feel guilty and overwhelmed by the incredible amount of need in the world, and I really want to be a good steward (“to whom much is given, much is required” rings in my ears). So there was something really reassuring about her note because it was a wonderful reminder that even small gestures and brief moments can make a difference.

Last Easter, our church (St. Francis Episcopal) gave everyone Easter eggs with $10 inside and challenged us to pay it forward and get creative with small acts of kindness. The kids came up with lots of great ideas and we did all of them – kindness and generosity are qualities I definitely want to foster in our kids.  Doing those small things led to unexpected interactions and sometimes prompted us to do bigger things, but being focused on kindness made all of us feel good.  We’ve continued to pay it forward throughout the year, and the kids can tell you some really great stories of people we have met, of surprised faces, of happy tears, of joyful encounters.  We often do things anonymously, but sometimes a waitress (or a “little birdie” at Sweets and Java) will “rat us out” and we are always surprised at how much a small act of kindness can impact people.

But I’ve noticed something odd.  When I’m focused on kindness and looking for ways to encourage or help someone, then somehow more opportunities arise.  But when I’m not being deliberate about it, when it’s not on my radar and I’m going through the day “in my own head,” then the opportunities disappear.

There’s something about being deliberate (“mindful” seems to be the buzz word these days) that sends us on a different trajectory.  We multiply what we focus on.  And I think that works for almost everything.  If we are focused on fear or worry, we’ll get more of it; if we’re focused on gratitude, we’ll find even more things to be thankful for, etc.

“Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are.”  (Jose Ortega y Gassett)

I’d love to tell you I focus on kindness and generosity every day, but that would be a lie.  Most days I’m pretty self-absorbed and I feel like this should be hanging on the front door:

And it’s easy to buy someone a cup of coffee or pick up the tab for their meal – it’s a lot harder to sacrifice my time, to really invest and make myself vulnerable.  But I’m convinced that it starts with the small things.  When you see God in the small things, He starts showing up everywhere.  I think He honors the smallest act, when it’s done with sincerity.

“This is a large work I’ve called you into, but don’t be overwhelmed by it. It’s best to start small. Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirsty, for instance. The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice. You won’t lose out on a thing.”  Matthew 10:42 (The Message)

So what are you focused on?  What are you paying attention to?  What are you multiplying out in the world and in your own life?

Turns out, kindness and compassion (our emotions in general) are contagious.  We intuitively know this from personal experience (It’s easy to “catch” someone else’s attitude or mood), but there’s actual science around it – “emotional contagion” is legit.  And I’m starting to think that our emotions are contagious on social media as well – I find myself having to disengage for awhile, if my newsfeed is too “heavy” or negative.  And the opposite reaction can also happen, when I read inspiring or funny stories, of thoughtful posts.

The fact that emotions are contagious is a little scary, but it’s also empowering.  And it’s even more impactful than you might realize.

My family loves this show called “Brain Games” – it’s a fantastic science show that explains everything from how we see color to why we lie, or what happens in our brains when we are angry or fearful, etc.  There’s an entire episode on contagious compassion and it is fascinating!  They did a simple experiment to show that people are wired for compassion.  And here’s the most amazing part – even when we get into “revenge mode” and we’re irritated or angry, if a person is kind to us (gives us a smile, a compliment, offers to help, etc.), it actually diffuses our feelings of anger and revenge.

The experiment that they did was a very simple example, but I was blown away that the smallest act of kindness and compassion has the power to moderate anger and revenge.  And we can also grow more compassionate with practice.  (I’m going to include the link at the end, just in case you’re interested in watching the episode.)

The next time you smile at someone, compliment them, hold the door for them, let them in front of you in line . . . you are actually decreasing the amount of anger in the world and introducing contagious compassion.  That’s pretty powerful.

I believe that there are lots of people out there spreading “good vibes” but we don’t often hear about it because those people don’t want to draw attention to themselves. I was discussing some of these moments with a good friend who had similar experiences and also longed to tell someone about them (side note:  we need a site where people can anonymously share these happy stories!).  She got all teary as she told me about two instances where she had been able to be kind to strangers – divine coincidences where she had just enough money to help.  One of the stories ended with her, another customer and a cashier all hugging and crying.  The person in front of her in line at Walmart didn’t have enough money for her purchase, so my friend stepped in to help.  The woman broke down in tears of gratitude because the purchase was something she needed to attend a funeral of a family member.  The cashier who witnessed this kindness was also moved to tears and they all ended up hugging and encouraging one another.  Now that’s one awesome trip to Walmart!

My friend (who doesn’t want to be named) captured the feeling of those moments so well . . . she said, “It made me feel so good, like I had won the lottery!”

I believe God designed us to be kind and compassionate and that’s why it feels so good to help people. Bob Buford (in his book, Half Time) calls it “altruistic egoism” because helping others is actually good for us!

Somehow, in the hands of God, our generosity (in spirit, in time, in money, in talents, in kindness) comes back to us in unexpected ways.  “Giving opens the way for receiving.” (Florence Scovel Shinn)

I’m grateful for the person that tracked me down on Facebook messenger because it was a surprise blessing and a reminder that the little things matter.  We’re all walking around with emotional contagion. My prayer is that, with God’s help, we can “infect” the world with love through kindness and compassion.  That’s a tall order, so I’ll start with a little prayer, a cup of coffee, a smile, and then see where God takes me from there . . .

“A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.”  Proverbs 11:25

“Give, and it will be given to you.  A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.  For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”  Luke 6:38

(Here’s the link to the “Brain Games” episode about contagious compassion.  The experiment I noted in the blog – the “hot sauce experiment” – is toward the end, 15 minutes into the program, but the entire episode is good.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGuykvhLUtQ&list=PLN4rooys7fWjU58suO1-mOdyq28hLgVOk